Drumroll, please....

Here are the t-shirt designs Bobby created! They are amazing if I do say so myself!  We are selling these shirts for $20 each to raise money for our adoption.  The designs are printed on "New Silver"-colored, American Apparel brand shirts, so the shirts are great quality, so soft, and comfortable to wear! We will have some in stock in about a week or 2, but will be also doing pre-sales for when we place our larger order.  We will ship (additional shipping fees apply) if you are out of state!!

You can now purchase our shirts if you are out of state, using the "Donate" button on the left side of our blog!  Please add $5 for shipping.  Thank you sooo much for supporting our adoption!

Price - $20ea.
Sizes - Girls' S-2XL click here for sizing info, Guys' S-2XL click here for sizing info

Girls' Shirt (smaller and fitted)

Guys' Shirt

Class 2: Infertility Grief & Loss in Adoption

I was concerned about this class all week.

We would have to tell our stories.

We would have to tell our stories to complete strangers.

Our story is hard.

Our story isn't nearly as hard as it could have been.

We were never blessed with a pregnancy or even a positive pregnancy test for that matter, but we did not suffer a loss through miscarriage or a stillborn baby.

My concern wasn't necessarily in spilling my guts, but that in doing so, I may hurt someone who suffered more than I had.  Would I be able to hold it together so that someone who is still grieving the loss of their baby(ies) wouldn't think, "Oh, wow, what's so hard about that?  We had several miscarriages and we're still here..."
Before we left I had to pray that God would keep me strong and help me to not appear insensitive.

On the way there, I decided we would share first - our story wasn't "so bad".  I wanted to get it out of the way so that we could make time for those with the really tragic and heart-wrenching stories, but we didn't get to go first.  The first couple told their story about struggling with infertility, and although they had had a miscarriage, most of their story sounded very similar to ours, and they stayed strong while telling their story.  Then the next couple shared.  Again, they had also suffered a miscarriage, but were so excited to be in the next phase of God's plan and adopting.

After they shared I quickly raised my hand to be next.  This time, I was able to share.  Before I began to speak, my heart began to pound so hard, I thought everyone must be able to see it thump through my chest! Then I spoke and God answered the other part of my prayer - I stayed strong!

As the couples continued to share, I began to see that none of our stories were identical, but in so many ways they were all very similar.  Two themes seemed to resonate in our stories - God used this time in our lives to strengthen our faith and draw nearer to Him, & He pushed us no further than He knew we could go!  There were so many times when I felt like I was DONE and couldn't handle any more.  I surprised myself when I could go on, but I know it didn't surprise God!  We also all seemed to be at the same place in our grieving at least at this point in time - acceptance!

What a good place to be!  Grieving is something that will never go away, but I can have peace!  The caseworker said that grieving is like being blindfolded on an emotional roller coaster.  You don't know when there will be ups and when there will be downs.  My prayer is there will be more ups than downs!  It's so funny, but in my own experience, this analogy makes perfect sense.  I often wondered why something (baby shower, pregnancy announcement, etc.) triggered so much heartache and devastation, when another - just a week later, I would be perfectly ok!

We didn't have time to go over the class notes since we ended 10 minutes late, but the caseworker who led the class pointed out the "Grief Wheel" that was in our notes.  She said grief doesn't follow this order, and you can move back and forth between these stages.  I am sure any of you that have lost a loved one or have even gone through infertility yourself have experienced this - Denial --> Anger --> Bargaining --> Loneliness --> Guilt/Shame --> Depression.  Speaking for myself, I have experienced all of this during our infertility, some of them more than once and some at the same time.  One thing that was particularly hard for me was guilt/shame.

While it wasn't specifically determined (since our infertility is unexplained) I have always felt like it would be hard for me to conceive if even I did at all.  In the back of my mind, I thought something was wrong with me even before we started trying.  Because of that, I have carried a lot of guilt/shame around.  I felt like it was my fault that we couldn't have a child of our own.  I felt like less of a woman because I could not carry a child for my husband and was ashamed for taking that from him.  Even though I knew that we both wanted to adopt children for a long time and that if we weren't able to conceive, God was telling us to adopt, it took me a long time to let go of that guilt and shame.

My prayer was answered tonight.  Even before my prayer tonight, God knew what I needed!  I love that God specifically chose this group of couples to be in this class together at this time!  I am excited for the weeks to come! 

Wow! All I can say is WOW! God is good!


I really have it on my heart to help others who are struggling with infertility or looking into adoption. Please, please, PLEASE let me know if there is anything I can do to help you.  I pray you can feel comfortable coming to me and sharing your heart!

Support Letter

In case you aren't on our mailing list, here is the letter we recently sent out!

Dear Family and Friends,

Two years ago, we decided we were ready to grow our family and began trying to conceive.  It didn’t go according to our original plan, but it did and has gone according to God’s plan!  During that time, I really struggled with understanding why, but I know now it was to strengthen me and my faith in God, which I am so thankful for now!  We have been praying for about a year now for God to guide us in this whole situation.  We feel strongly God is telling us to ADOPT!  When we were dating and first talking about marriage and children, we both knew if we were unable to have children, it was God’s way of telling us to adopt.  That conversation from 10 years ago wasn’t an accident!  

We are so excited for this opportunity and feel extremely blessed.  How cool is it to be chosen to create a better life for a child?!  We know there are unique challenges with the adoption process and parenting a child who has been adopted, but God has put some amazing families in our lives that are great examples and resources.

We are letting go of the handlebars and letting God steer!  We are obeying God’s will for our lives and following His lead.  Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”  

Our adoption journey has already begun: we have turned in the initial paperwork with our wonderful adoption agency and have met with the adoption caseworker who will be working with us throughout the process.  We are about to start the home study and adoption certification process.  By the end of this summer we hope to be placed in our agency’s match book.  We couldn’t be more excited!

We are asking for your support!  We are not sure how or when, but we are SURE God will provide!  We know He has a baby chosen to fit our family perfectly; we know He will provide the means to bring Baby Dean home.  Please keep our baby, the birthparents, and us in your prayers!  We are asking for financial support as well. We are looking into fundraisers to help with the tremendous expense of adoption. 

We would love to keep you updated during our journey on our blog — withnohandlebars.blogspot.com!

Thank you so much for your prayers and support!

With Christ’s love,
Bobby & Crystal

Pros & Cons

My friend and I were discussing this today!  While I feel led to adopt and feel completely blessed and am excited to do so, I can't help but notice the differences between becoming a mom through pregnancy and becoming a mom through adoption.  So here's the list of adoption pros and cons -

Pros                                                 Cons
-I don't have to give birth!                 -I don't get to give birth!
-I don't look like I'm expecting            -I don't look like I'm expecting
-Our baby won't look like me              -Our baby won't look like my 
-No weight gain (hopefully!)                handsome husband 
-Don't have to decide whether            -I will not feel my baby kick or move             
or not I should have an epidural         from the inside  (this one's the hardest!)
-No 6 week wait!!! ;)                         -Not the one who is in charge of prenatal
-I won't be pregnant in July or             -Don't know when our baby's coming
 August in Arizona!                             -No positive pregnancy test -
-I get to provide a better life                no running out of the bathroom excitedly
  for a child                                          screaming to my husband
*No nausea/morning sickness!
*No blood sugar test
*Don't have to spend money on
maternity clothes
*No hemorrhoids!
*I will look AMAZING right
after our baby is born!

Couldn't line up the "Cons", so my apologies if that's bothering you like it is me! And, if you know how to fix it (without using "tab" because that doesn't work!), feel free to share with me!!  I'm sure there's many more things to add to these lists, so we'll consider this post a work in progress!

*Thanks to the awesome mommas who helped me add to the list of Pros! :)

Class 1 - "Introduction in the Adoption Experience"

So tonight was our first adoption class, and boy, does it feel more real than it has in the past few months!  Before class, I was extremely excited to begin this part of the certification process as well as meet other couples in this process.  If I am THIS excited NOW, I can't even imagine how I will be when we get the well-anticipated placement phone call!  I even had to force myself to eat dinner before we left!

I'm pretty much wide awake at this point now that we are home from our first class, and it's the night before the last day of school!  My brain is on overload to say the least.  Tonight we went a mile wide and an inch deep in the adoption process (laws, homestudy process, placement, writing a match letter, etc.).  We went over what our life may be like over the next 12-18 months, give or take and even stretching to the next 18 years of our child's life. We will have to put our faith in God now more than ever.  As hard as the past 2+ years of infertility have been, I can see how God has used that time to prepare us for what may lie ahead.  I think there will be many ups and downs, a lot of unknowns, and waiting just as we have experienced, but isn't that how life is?! So thankful to serve a God who knows us and loves us.  He knows what we can handle and how far to stretch us!  He is bigger than anything we may face!

This class also helped me process what the birth parent(s) are going through.  I look forward to learning more about this in the weeks to come.  I'm not sure if I could ever express my gratitude enough to our child's birth mother for her strength, selflessness, and bravery!  This pregnancy isn't planned, and yet she is willing to put aside any embarrassment or shame to choose life for her baby.  Then after carrying this baby for 9 months, once again chooses life for her baby and places him or her into our arms.  When our baby is born, she will be saying hello and goodbye to him/her all at the same time.  It hurts to think that when we leave the hospital with our baby and are overwhelmed with joy, she will be leaving with empty arms and overwhelmed with heartache.



Side note - I do have to say my favorite part of this whole night was on the way home.  I was driving and Bobby was "resting his eyes". Out of no where he says, "Our match book letter is going to be a pop-up book!"  Ha! I love that he was thinking about how to market us better! ;)The match book letter is basically a resume/advertisement the agency will give to birth mothers to help them choose a family for their baby (and is only 2-dimensional. Ha!).

The process so far

Thanks for joining us on this journey! :)  Here is where we are currently -

Last Monday (the 16th) we met with our assigned caseworker for the first time.  I have to say, I was beyond excited and so nervous - this was the lady who was going to decide whether or not we are a "healthy" family and would be allowed to adopt a baby!  I really had to pray before we met her, because I knew God is really the one who decides if we are capable of being parents, but couldn't shake those feelings.  Instantly when we met her, the nervousness melted away though.  She was so sweet, and it was so easy to talk to her!

She asked us things like how we came to the decision to adopt, how would we raise a child to love and know God, about our testimonies, and our marriage.  We also had the opportunity to ask her questions, and of course, I had nothin'!  Thankfully we left with her contact info and can email her day or night! 

We also left with a mountain of paperwork!  Some of the things included in the paperwork are the Taylor Johnson Temperament Analysis (we each fill this out on ourselves and then each other), packet of questions on our childhood and how we plan to raise our child, fingerprint cards, financial worksheets, forms for our dr. to fill out after we get physicals, etc., etc.! This paperwork usually takes couples 4-6 weeks to fill out.  Once it's turned in, the home study process can begin.

We have registered for our agency's adoption classes, which start in a week!!!  There are 7 classes total covering these topics: "Introduction in the Adoption Experience", "Infertility: Grief & Loss in Adoption", "Healthy Adoption Experience", "Raising the Adopted Child", "The Birthparent Experience", "Covenant and Commitment" (because this is an open adoption, we will create a covenant with the birthparents as to how we will stay in contact with one another - more info on this later!), and "Special Needs & Cross Cultural Adoptions".

We're not in Atlanta anymore, Toto

Ever wonder why things aren't going according to YOUR plan? Maybe things are going perfectly and accordingly to GOD'S plan! 

About a month or so ago, I posted this blog post by Pastor Steven Furtick to Facebook.  If you haven't had a chance to read it, do it NOW!  I love that my thoughtful husband shared this with me, knowing it's just what I needed to hear.  Maybe it's just what YOU need to hear right now! 

http://www.stevenfurtick.com/spiritual-growth/hubs/

Pastor Steven Furtick uses the analogy of airline flights.  Sometimes, in order to get to Philadelphia, your desired destination, your plane stops in Atlanta on the way there.  It's in the complete opposite direction from where you are headed!! Whether you like it or not, your plane stops there and there's not much you can do about it.  Our intended destination has been to grow our family - a non-stop flight to Philadelphia, but instead God took us to a layover in Atlanta first - unexplained infertility.  When the flight landed, I was far from excited.  I wanted to race into the cockpit and question the pilot - Really God, Atlanta?! What am I doing here?  Didn't you hear my requests to go straight through to Philadelphia?  Look right here - the ticket I paid for says non-stop from PHX to PHL. (notice how that was all about me - "I...", "I...", "I..."?!?)  After hanging around in Atlanta, I got over myself and I began to realize it wasn't such a bad place after all - if we hadn't stopped there, what would my faith look like today? 

While I learned a lot from my stay in Atlanta (and hopefully will be blessed with the opportunity to help others navigate through it's streets and freeways!), I am so very excited to be on our way to Philadelphia!!! So excited to be a passenger on God's flight!  There may be some turbulence along the way, but life is so much better when you LET GO OF THE HANDLEBARS!