Class 2: Infertility Grief & Loss in Adoption

I was concerned about this class all week.

We would have to tell our stories.

We would have to tell our stories to complete strangers.

Our story is hard.

Our story isn't nearly as hard as it could have been.

We were never blessed with a pregnancy or even a positive pregnancy test for that matter, but we did not suffer a loss through miscarriage or a stillborn baby.

My concern wasn't necessarily in spilling my guts, but that in doing so, I may hurt someone who suffered more than I had.  Would I be able to hold it together so that someone who is still grieving the loss of their baby(ies) wouldn't think, "Oh, wow, what's so hard about that?  We had several miscarriages and we're still here..."
Before we left I had to pray that God would keep me strong and help me to not appear insensitive.

On the way there, I decided we would share first - our story wasn't "so bad".  I wanted to get it out of the way so that we could make time for those with the really tragic and heart-wrenching stories, but we didn't get to go first.  The first couple told their story about struggling with infertility, and although they had had a miscarriage, most of their story sounded very similar to ours, and they stayed strong while telling their story.  Then the next couple shared.  Again, they had also suffered a miscarriage, but were so excited to be in the next phase of God's plan and adopting.

After they shared I quickly raised my hand to be next.  This time, I was able to share.  Before I began to speak, my heart began to pound so hard, I thought everyone must be able to see it thump through my chest! Then I spoke and God answered the other part of my prayer - I stayed strong!

As the couples continued to share, I began to see that none of our stories were identical, but in so many ways they were all very similar.  Two themes seemed to resonate in our stories - God used this time in our lives to strengthen our faith and draw nearer to Him, & He pushed us no further than He knew we could go!  There were so many times when I felt like I was DONE and couldn't handle any more.  I surprised myself when I could go on, but I know it didn't surprise God!  We also all seemed to be at the same place in our grieving at least at this point in time - acceptance!

What a good place to be!  Grieving is something that will never go away, but I can have peace!  The caseworker said that grieving is like being blindfolded on an emotional roller coaster.  You don't know when there will be ups and when there will be downs.  My prayer is there will be more ups than downs!  It's so funny, but in my own experience, this analogy makes perfect sense.  I often wondered why something (baby shower, pregnancy announcement, etc.) triggered so much heartache and devastation, when another - just a week later, I would be perfectly ok!

We didn't have time to go over the class notes since we ended 10 minutes late, but the caseworker who led the class pointed out the "Grief Wheel" that was in our notes.  She said grief doesn't follow this order, and you can move back and forth between these stages.  I am sure any of you that have lost a loved one or have even gone through infertility yourself have experienced this - Denial --> Anger --> Bargaining --> Loneliness --> Guilt/Shame --> Depression.  Speaking for myself, I have experienced all of this during our infertility, some of them more than once and some at the same time.  One thing that was particularly hard for me was guilt/shame.

While it wasn't specifically determined (since our infertility is unexplained) I have always felt like it would be hard for me to conceive if even I did at all.  In the back of my mind, I thought something was wrong with me even before we started trying.  Because of that, I have carried a lot of guilt/shame around.  I felt like it was my fault that we couldn't have a child of our own.  I felt like less of a woman because I could not carry a child for my husband and was ashamed for taking that from him.  Even though I knew that we both wanted to adopt children for a long time and that if we weren't able to conceive, God was telling us to adopt, it took me a long time to let go of that guilt and shame.

My prayer was answered tonight.  Even before my prayer tonight, God knew what I needed!  I love that God specifically chose this group of couples to be in this class together at this time!  I am excited for the weeks to come! 

Wow! All I can say is WOW! God is good!


I really have it on my heart to help others who are struggling with infertility or looking into adoption. Please, please, PLEASE let me know if there is anything I can do to help you.  I pray you can feel comfortable coming to me and sharing your heart!