It's been awhile... Sorry for the delay! The past two weeks have definitely been crazy - testing the incoming kindergarteners, training, meetings, setting up my room for the new school year, Parent Orientation, Meet the Teacher Night... well, you get the picture!
This class was by far my favorite, and the one I have been looking forward to the most. It has been the desire of my heart to not only be a mom, but a mom in a multiracial/multicultural family. I think it's a beautiful and amazing thing when God combines people from different cultures, backgrounds, race, and ethnicity to create a family. It mirrors all of us as 1 family - His family - 1 unit - as the body of Christ across the world.
On this night, 2 sets of parents came to speak about their experiences with adoption - 1 family has adopted 2 children with special needs, the other has adopted 2 children cross culturally and are in the process of adopting their 5th child. They spoke about how the public has perceived their adoptions - good or bad. Specifically, the family who has adopted outside of the parents' race, talked about how in Phoenix, generally people are accepting of their family, but experienced something very different when they visited Chicago. On one occasion, they went out to eat as a family. They waited... and waited... and waited some more... to be served, and yet no one came. Finally, the hostess who sat them came over (embarrassed) and said, "I guess I'm your server today!"
Unfortunately, not everyone is going to be OK with our decision, just as not everyone is OK with the two of us married (Bobby - Hispanic, and me - white) or that I wear jeans all summer long or that I might wear white shoes after Labor Day! - that's the kind of world we live in - people judge (I'm guilty of it too!), but we do have to be conscious and aware of how this may affect our child in the future. Thankfully our family and friends are supportive of our decision and will love on our child and celebrate his/her heritage with us. If it weren't for their support, I don't think this would necessarily be a healthy decision for our child.
If you are considering becoming transracial adoptive parents, please also consider the following points from "Transracial Adoption: Then & Now" by Sherry Anderson,
-Consider race seriously: Avoiding a characteristic as significant as race of an individual is to deny the value and beauty of that part of the person.
-Explore your capacity to be comfortable with difference: Are you anxious if you stand out, if people stare at you or confront you? Do you feel less than okay if you are different from your peers?
-Be honest with your family and friends as you plan and dream: Listen to their reactions. Think about the level and type of support they currently provide and how much you need them in your life.
-When thinking of adoption older children whose cultural/racial background is different than yours, be aware of their cultural experiences to date: Have they always lived in homes of their culture? Do they have life experiences with persons of the majority culture, not counting their caseworker? Are they able to express fears and concerns they may have based on these experiences?
-Survey your community-schools, places of worship, playgrounds. Who is there? Will your child find role models and peers who look like him/her? If the answer is "No," are you willing to relocate and integrate yourself into a community that does offer positive cultural experiences for your child?
Showing posts with label Adoption Classes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adoption Classes. Show all posts
Friday, July 22, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Class 6: Covenant & Commitment
We aren't just adding a baby to our family of 2 (Oops! Family of 4 - can't forget Oliver and Fitzy! Sorry, pups!), but we will also be adding a whole other family! I love how one adoptive mom said it, "The more people to love my child the better," and Bobby and I couldn't agree more! Now of course I know this may not always be sunshine and lollipops. Think about that one person in your family - the one that makes the saying "You can't choose your family" all the more devastating. If you can't think of who in your family this could be, take a look in the mirror... ;) We could vary well be adding a crazy aunt into the mix without knowing it! Ha! Remember my post a few weeks ago - Bobby and I are "risk takers". ;)
Last night's class was all about creating a covenant with the birth-parent(s) in regards to how we will establish and maintain contact and develop a relationship as our child grows. We looked at an example of an adoption plan or covenant. It is a little overwhelming initially as it is very detailed in order to protect all involved especially the child. Our hope and prayer is that a beautiful relationship develops from this and following these terms will be easy and natural. Here are just a few terms from the example covenant -
"It has been agreed that during the first quarter following placement, meetings will be held ___ [times per year]. During the remainder of the first year, meetings will be held ___ [times per year]. In ongoing years, meetings will be held _____ [times per year]. Meetings will be held more often if both parties agree. Either party may initiate meetings, with the understanding that all meetings should be held in advance. Specific dates, times and location of meetings will be arranged between the parties."
"It was agreed that meetings may include _____ [name of specific person]. Out of respect for both parties, any other family or friends may not join in the meetings without the prior knowledge and approval of all parties. Visits may be canceled if either party brings an unexpected guest or guests to the meeting."
"The adoptive parents agreed to allow birth parent to purchase items for child not exceeding $___. Gifts may be given at ____ [birthday, Christmas, etc.]"
"It was decided that phone calls, e-mails and gifts from other birth-family members may ____ [occur/not occur]."
As I mentioned these are just a few of the items covered in the covenant agreement. Other things can be included if necessary such as a term regarding social media or permission to publish photos. Or, if needed, an item about birth-mother/father needing to be sober or clean during a meeting.
One of the great things about going through our agency or almost any agency for that matter, is the ongoing support we have with them. They can provide counseling or mediation if that is ever necessary. They can also hold letters, pictures, etc. in a file so that if contact is lost with the birth-mother or birth-father, he/she can obtain those from the agency when able to.
We really love our agency and the hearts of those working there! God has definitely blessed us with amazing support. Although we knew open adoption was the best for our child and this was part of the reason we chose our agency, this whole process would have been too much to handle without the support of our agency, and of course all of the amazing family and friends!
Thank you, God, for surrounding us with all this love and support! We are truly blessed! Thank you for making it easier to let go of the handlebars!
Last night's class was all about creating a covenant with the birth-parent(s) in regards to how we will establish and maintain contact and develop a relationship as our child grows. We looked at an example of an adoption plan or covenant. It is a little overwhelming initially as it is very detailed in order to protect all involved especially the child. Our hope and prayer is that a beautiful relationship develops from this and following these terms will be easy and natural. Here are just a few terms from the example covenant -
"It has been agreed that during the first quarter following placement, meetings will be held ___ [times per year]. During the remainder of the first year, meetings will be held ___ [times per year]. In ongoing years, meetings will be held _____ [times per year]. Meetings will be held more often if both parties agree. Either party may initiate meetings, with the understanding that all meetings should be held in advance. Specific dates, times and location of meetings will be arranged between the parties."
"It was agreed that meetings may include _____ [name of specific person]. Out of respect for both parties, any other family or friends may not join in the meetings without the prior knowledge and approval of all parties. Visits may be canceled if either party brings an unexpected guest or guests to the meeting."
"The adoptive parents agreed to allow birth parent to purchase items for child not exceeding $___. Gifts may be given at ____ [birthday, Christmas, etc.]"
"It was decided that phone calls, e-mails and gifts from other birth-family members may ____ [occur/not occur]."
As I mentioned these are just a few of the items covered in the covenant agreement. Other things can be included if necessary such as a term regarding social media or permission to publish photos. Or, if needed, an item about birth-mother/father needing to be sober or clean during a meeting.
One of the great things about going through our agency or almost any agency for that matter, is the ongoing support we have with them. They can provide counseling or mediation if that is ever necessary. They can also hold letters, pictures, etc. in a file so that if contact is lost with the birth-mother or birth-father, he/she can obtain those from the agency when able to.
We really love our agency and the hearts of those working there! God has definitely blessed us with amazing support. Although we knew open adoption was the best for our child and this was part of the reason we chose our agency, this whole process would have been too much to handle without the support of our agency, and of course all of the amazing family and friends!
Thank you, God, for surrounding us with all this love and support! We are truly blessed! Thank you for making it easier to let go of the handlebars!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Class 5: Birth Parent Experience
Wow! What a week!
We had an amazing time at 5-6th grade summer camp this week. So cool to see God work in the lives of these pre-teens, and I am so excited to see how He uses them! So thankful to be part of that.
Tuesday afternoon, in the middle of camp, we had to leave camp in Prescott for our 5th adoption class in Phoenix. My 5th & 6th grade girls were so sweet and supportive of our adoption, and us leaving midweek. A couple of them asked if we would bring the baby back with us on Wednesday (had to do a little more explaining!).
This class was by far my favorite. I think Bobby would agree as well. I think it was because it brought to life one of the aspects of adoption we didn't really know much about. We also had some guest speakers. We went a little more in depth on what birth-parents go through. It was definitely heart-breaking to hear about the adoption experience through their eyes, but so insightful. It really reiterated how strong of a person they have to be and how much they really do love their child to want so much more for him or her.
We had 3 guest speakers that night - a birth mother and 2 adoptive parents. Typically in this class they have the birth-mother and the adoptive parents who adopted her child, but this time it was 2 different families. I actually really liked that we were able to hear 2 different stories v. just 1.
The birth-mother was maybe 20?? and I believe her son is now 1. She spoke of how she was adopted as well and how she knew in her heart adoption would be the way to make a better life for her son. His father was in jail, and she knew having a baby in her home with her brother and parents would potentially be a source of stress and strain. She wanted her son to never feel as if he was a burden. She wanted him to always feel loved, and so she choose adoption for her child even though she had very little support from her family. Currently she has an amazing relationship with the family who adopted her son and is helping other birth-mothers!
The adoptive parents who spoke have adopted 2 girls (1 is now 3, and the other is 1). Their 1st daughter came into their lives after only being certified to adopt for 5 weeks! They received a "hospital call" on April Fool's Day. For those of you who are not familiar with that term, a hospital call is when a birth-mother decides when in labor or just after the birth to place the child for adoption, and you are selected! They were matched with their 2nd daughter when the birth-mother was about 8 months pregnant (again after being in the matchbook for only 5 weeks!). They were relieved to think they had about a month to prepare for this baby, but the relief quickly faded when a couple of days later they received the call that the birth-mother was in pre-term labor! They also discussed their current relationships with the birth-families of both of their daughters.
There was not a dry-eye (well for the women, anyway!) when these 3 amazing people shared their stories. It made it seem even more real that soon we will have our own baby in our home, and hopefully another family in our lives to love on! So excited to see how God brings it all together - even if that means it all happens within a few weeks of being certified!
We had an amazing time at 5-6th grade summer camp this week. So cool to see God work in the lives of these pre-teens, and I am so excited to see how He uses them! So thankful to be part of that.
Tuesday afternoon, in the middle of camp, we had to leave camp in Prescott for our 5th adoption class in Phoenix. My 5th & 6th grade girls were so sweet and supportive of our adoption, and us leaving midweek. A couple of them asked if we would bring the baby back with us on Wednesday (had to do a little more explaining!).
This class was by far my favorite. I think Bobby would agree as well. I think it was because it brought to life one of the aspects of adoption we didn't really know much about. We also had some guest speakers. We went a little more in depth on what birth-parents go through. It was definitely heart-breaking to hear about the adoption experience through their eyes, but so insightful. It really reiterated how strong of a person they have to be and how much they really do love their child to want so much more for him or her.
We had 3 guest speakers that night - a birth mother and 2 adoptive parents. Typically in this class they have the birth-mother and the adoptive parents who adopted her child, but this time it was 2 different families. I actually really liked that we were able to hear 2 different stories v. just 1.
The birth-mother was maybe 20?? and I believe her son is now 1. She spoke of how she was adopted as well and how she knew in her heart adoption would be the way to make a better life for her son. His father was in jail, and she knew having a baby in her home with her brother and parents would potentially be a source of stress and strain. She wanted her son to never feel as if he was a burden. She wanted him to always feel loved, and so she choose adoption for her child even though she had very little support from her family. Currently she has an amazing relationship with the family who adopted her son and is helping other birth-mothers!
The adoptive parents who spoke have adopted 2 girls (1 is now 3, and the other is 1). Their 1st daughter came into their lives after only being certified to adopt for 5 weeks! They received a "hospital call" on April Fool's Day. For those of you who are not familiar with that term, a hospital call is when a birth-mother decides when in labor or just after the birth to place the child for adoption, and you are selected! They were matched with their 2nd daughter when the birth-mother was about 8 months pregnant (again after being in the matchbook for only 5 weeks!). They were relieved to think they had about a month to prepare for this baby, but the relief quickly faded when a couple of days later they received the call that the birth-mother was in pre-term labor! They also discussed their current relationships with the birth-families of both of their daughters.
There was not a dry-eye (well for the women, anyway!) when these 3 amazing people shared their stories. It made it seem even more real that soon we will have our own baby in our home, and hopefully another family in our lives to love on! So excited to see how God brings it all together - even if that means it all happens within a few weeks of being certified!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Class 4: Raising the Adopted Child - Adoption and the Lifelong Search for Self
This post is a little delayed. We had class 4 days ago! Honestly, I haven't really known what to write about. For the most part, this class seemed to be commonsense.
The caseworker who led this class struggled with infertility for many years, and she and her husband decided to adopt. They adopted twin girls at birth, who are now 18 years old. I think I would have enjoyed the class much more, if we knew this before class and could hear more about her experiences along with some time for Q&A. She's got to be a wealth of knowledge!
One of the most important things I got from this class was learning more about the importance of attachment with our babies. The baby experiences so many things in utero, which we cannot be a part of. A lot of brain development also occurs at this time. It is crucial that we are very intentional in developing a bond and working toward attachment with our baby. We must be the ones who are meeting the needs of our baby. We must be the ones holding and soothing our little one for at least the first 3 months. Sorry Grandmas (we will still need your help in other ways early on!)!!! This will be hard on us too! We've wanted to add a baby to our family for so long, and we won't get to do any of the showing off initially!!! But we need to set aside our wants for our baby's needs. Maybe we will have to make some, "You can look, but not touch!" onesies! Ha!
At the end of this class we were shown this very sweet, but very cheesy video. Maybe some of you have seen it before. I think it was a good way to end the class. It is important to be prepared and do the very best you can with your child(ren), but it's also important to savor those ordinary moments and ordinary days - we don't get those back.
The caseworker who led this class struggled with infertility for many years, and she and her husband decided to adopt. They adopted twin girls at birth, who are now 18 years old. I think I would have enjoyed the class much more, if we knew this before class and could hear more about her experiences along with some time for Q&A. She's got to be a wealth of knowledge!
One of the most important things I got from this class was learning more about the importance of attachment with our babies. The baby experiences so many things in utero, which we cannot be a part of. A lot of brain development also occurs at this time. It is crucial that we are very intentional in developing a bond and working toward attachment with our baby. We must be the ones who are meeting the needs of our baby. We must be the ones holding and soothing our little one for at least the first 3 months. Sorry Grandmas (we will still need your help in other ways early on!)!!! This will be hard on us too! We've wanted to add a baby to our family for so long, and we won't get to do any of the showing off initially!!! But we need to set aside our wants for our baby's needs. Maybe we will have to make some, "You can look, but not touch!" onesies! Ha!
At the end of this class we were shown this very sweet, but very cheesy video. Maybe some of you have seen it before. I think it was a good way to end the class. It is important to be prepared and do the very best you can with your child(ren), but it's also important to savor those ordinary moments and ordinary days - we don't get those back.
"The Gift of an Ordinary Day" by Katrina Henison.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Class 3: Healthy Adoption Experience
Before going to this class tonight, I didn't really have much expectation for what we would really discuss; I mean "Healthy Adoption Experience" encompasses so many things I couldn't even begin to grasp what we would cover tonight prior to attending. As it turns out, we did cover a variety of topics related to a healthy adoption experience.
One thing that sticks out most from this evening was what No Handlebars is all about - Letting Go & Letting God Steer! It is amazing to look back on our entire lives even before we knew each other and how God has used so many different experiences in our lives to shape us into the people we are today and the adoptive parents we will be tomorrow (No, there is not something you should know! This would be a completely different post! I meant that figuratively speaking!!). Just as He knit me together in my mother's womb and knows every hair on my head, He has known the path He has laid out for me.
There are 3 specific things which have happened in my life that I think have helped me prepare for this journey and to help me relate more to our child and his or her birth-mother. When I was going through those things, I knew there was a reason for them, but it wasn't revealed to me until recently. Even when we go through storms in our lives, we have to TRUST God knows far more than we do, and has a reason (oftentimes several reasons!) for those storms or experiences.
Without going into too much detail, one of the things I have experienced in my life is the feeling of rejection. Whether or not I was rejected by a specific person may not have been a reality, but it was and still feels very real to me to this very day. It was/is my reality. I can't help but wonder if our child may feel that way. He or she will be placed for adoption. Of course, this mother will be placing her child in our arms out of selflessness and love for her child, not because she is rejecting him or her, but I wonder if our child may feel rejected because of this at times. Even if it may not be reality, will it feel very real to him or her? My prayer is we will be able to have an open adoption where our child knows his/her birth-family and is comfortable to ask us and his/her birth-mother those questions when/if those heavy feelings arise.
Some time ago, my husband and I took a birth-mother into our home for a short period. We didn't realize it at that time, but for that very short period we were able to see first hand, what may be going on in a birth-mother's life for her to want to chose something better for her child. I think this will help us to have greater empathy for our child's birth-mom.
On that same note, we have also seen how God, through our prayers, can protect tiny little babies from harmful things some birth-mothers are putting into their bodies. That's why we have been praying for our little baby now (and ask you to do the same if you haven't already!). We don't know if our baby has been conceived in a birth-mother's womb yet or not (although this little one has definitely been conceived in our hearts!!!) but we do know, God can protect our baby.
Infertility has also prepared us for this journey in several ways. It has helped me to trust God more. It has caused me to grieve for our child we planned to conceive and I had planned to carry and give birth too. Our child's birth-mother probably did not plan for this pregnancy, but she will have to grieve the loss of being able to parent her child. As I have mentioned before, it breaks my heart to know we will be the cause of some of her pain. We will be leaving the hospital with her dream. Just as she has something we have not been able to experience - pregnancy and birthing a child, we have something she is not currently able to experience - a loving, stable home to raise a child.
Another hard, but very real topic was discussed this evening. Honestly, it is one of my greatest fears as an adoptive-mom-to-be. There is a very real possibility the birth-mother could change her mind. We will be matched at some point with a birth-mother. She could decide at 9 months she can't go through with the adoption and keep her baby. It's even possible after the baby is born she decides adoption isn't the best for her and her baby or she isn't strong enough. Or even more difficult to fathom, she could decide once we have brought her baby home, she would like to parent her child. Oftentimes, a baby is released from the hospital and would go home with the adoptive parents. The earliest a birth-mother would be asked to sign relinquishment would be 72 hours after the birth (later if it's a weekend or she's on any type of pain medication). This means, we could potentially have a baby in our home to love, take care of, and attach to, only to return the baby to his/her birth-mother a week later. I pray this is something we won't have to experience, but this is where it is so amazing to know God! He is in control and has a perfect plan for everyone involved! There's such amazing peace when you truly believe and know that!
So I guess if you didn't think of Bobby and I as risk-takers before, you should now! Ha! So I'm going to be cheesy for a moment... wait for it...
It's so much easier to be a risk-taker, when you let go of the handlebars!!!
How beautiful is that verse? God can make ALL things beautiful again! There is so much hope in that verse!
One thing that sticks out most from this evening was what No Handlebars is all about - Letting Go & Letting God Steer! It is amazing to look back on our entire lives even before we knew each other and how God has used so many different experiences in our lives to shape us into the people we are today and the adoptive parents we will be tomorrow (No, there is not something you should know! This would be a completely different post! I meant that figuratively speaking!!). Just as He knit me together in my mother's womb and knows every hair on my head, He has known the path He has laid out for me.
There are 3 specific things which have happened in my life that I think have helped me prepare for this journey and to help me relate more to our child and his or her birth-mother. When I was going through those things, I knew there was a reason for them, but it wasn't revealed to me until recently. Even when we go through storms in our lives, we have to TRUST God knows far more than we do, and has a reason (oftentimes several reasons!) for those storms or experiences.
Without going into too much detail, one of the things I have experienced in my life is the feeling of rejection. Whether or not I was rejected by a specific person may not have been a reality, but it was and still feels very real to me to this very day. It was/is my reality. I can't help but wonder if our child may feel that way. He or she will be placed for adoption. Of course, this mother will be placing her child in our arms out of selflessness and love for her child, not because she is rejecting him or her, but I wonder if our child may feel rejected because of this at times. Even if it may not be reality, will it feel very real to him or her? My prayer is we will be able to have an open adoption where our child knows his/her birth-family and is comfortable to ask us and his/her birth-mother those questions when/if those heavy feelings arise.
Some time ago, my husband and I took a birth-mother into our home for a short period. We didn't realize it at that time, but for that very short period we were able to see first hand, what may be going on in a birth-mother's life for her to want to chose something better for her child. I think this will help us to have greater empathy for our child's birth-mom.
On that same note, we have also seen how God, through our prayers, can protect tiny little babies from harmful things some birth-mothers are putting into their bodies. That's why we have been praying for our little baby now (and ask you to do the same if you haven't already!). We don't know if our baby has been conceived in a birth-mother's womb yet or not (although this little one has definitely been conceived in our hearts!!!) but we do know, God can protect our baby.
Infertility has also prepared us for this journey in several ways. It has helped me to trust God more. It has caused me to grieve for our child we planned to conceive and I had planned to carry and give birth too. Our child's birth-mother probably did not plan for this pregnancy, but she will have to grieve the loss of being able to parent her child. As I have mentioned before, it breaks my heart to know we will be the cause of some of her pain. We will be leaving the hospital with her dream. Just as she has something we have not been able to experience - pregnancy and birthing a child, we have something she is not currently able to experience - a loving, stable home to raise a child.
Another hard, but very real topic was discussed this evening. Honestly, it is one of my greatest fears as an adoptive-mom-to-be. There is a very real possibility the birth-mother could change her mind. We will be matched at some point with a birth-mother. She could decide at 9 months she can't go through with the adoption and keep her baby. It's even possible after the baby is born she decides adoption isn't the best for her and her baby or she isn't strong enough. Or even more difficult to fathom, she could decide once we have brought her baby home, she would like to parent her child. Oftentimes, a baby is released from the hospital and would go home with the adoptive parents. The earliest a birth-mother would be asked to sign relinquishment would be 72 hours after the birth (later if it's a weekend or she's on any type of pain medication). This means, we could potentially have a baby in our home to love, take care of, and attach to, only to return the baby to his/her birth-mother a week later. I pray this is something we won't have to experience, but this is where it is so amazing to know God! He is in control and has a perfect plan for everyone involved! There's such amazing peace when you truly believe and know that!
So I guess if you didn't think of Bobby and I as risk-takers before, you should now! Ha! So I'm going to be cheesy for a moment... wait for it...
It's so much easier to be a risk-taker, when you let go of the handlebars!!!
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
Isaiah 61:3
How beautiful is that verse? God can make ALL things beautiful again! There is so much hope in that verse!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Class 2: Infertility Grief & Loss in Adoption
I was concerned about this class all week.
We would have to tell our stories.
We would have to tell our stories to complete strangers.
Our story is hard.
Our story isn't nearly as hard as it could have been.
We were never blessed with a pregnancy or even a positive pregnancy test for that matter, but we did not suffer a loss through miscarriage or a stillborn baby.
My concern wasn't necessarily in spilling my guts, but that in doing so, I may hurt someone who suffered more than I had. Would I be able to hold it together so that someone who is still grieving the loss of their baby(ies) wouldn't think, "Oh, wow, what's so hard about that? We had several miscarriages and we're still here..."
Before we left I had to pray that God would keep me strong and help me to not appear insensitive.
On the way there, I decided we would share first - our story wasn't "so bad". I wanted to get it out of the way so that we could make time for those with the really tragic and heart-wrenching stories, but we didn't get to go first. The first couple told their story about struggling with infertility, and although they had had a miscarriage, most of their story sounded very similar to ours, and they stayed strong while telling their story. Then the next couple shared. Again, they had also suffered a miscarriage, but were so excited to be in the next phase of God's plan and adopting.
After they shared I quickly raised my hand to be next. This time, I was able to share. Before I began to speak, my heart began to pound so hard, I thought everyone must be able to see it thump through my chest! Then I spoke and God answered the other part of my prayer - I stayed strong!
As the couples continued to share, I began to see that none of our stories were identical, but in so many ways they were all very similar. Two themes seemed to resonate in our stories - God used this time in our lives to strengthen our faith and draw nearer to Him, & He pushed us no further than He knew we could go! There were so many times when I felt like I was DONE and couldn't handle any more. I surprised myself when I could go on, but I know it didn't surprise God! We also all seemed to be at the same place in our grieving at least at this point in time - acceptance!
What a good place to be! Grieving is something that will never go away, but I can have peace! The caseworker said that grieving is like being blindfolded on an emotional roller coaster. You don't know when there will be ups and when there will be downs. My prayer is there will be more ups than downs! It's so funny, but in my own experience, this analogy makes perfect sense. I often wondered why something (baby shower, pregnancy announcement, etc.) triggered so much heartache and devastation, when another - just a week later, I would be perfectly ok!
We didn't have time to go over the class notes since we ended 10 minutes late, but the caseworker who led the class pointed out the "Grief Wheel" that was in our notes. She said grief doesn't follow this order, and you can move back and forth between these stages. I am sure any of you that have lost a loved one or have even gone through infertility yourself have experienced this - Denial --> Anger --> Bargaining --> Loneliness --> Guilt/Shame --> Depression. Speaking for myself, I have experienced all of this during our infertility, some of them more than once and some at the same time. One thing that was particularly hard for me was guilt/shame.
While it wasn't specifically determined (since our infertility is unexplained) I have always felt like it would be hard for me to conceive if even I did at all. In the back of my mind, I thought something was wrong with me even before we started trying. Because of that, I have carried a lot of guilt/shame around. I felt like it was my fault that we couldn't have a child of our own. I felt like less of a woman because I could not carry a child for my husband and was ashamed for taking that from him. Even though I knew that we both wanted to adopt children for a long time and that if we weren't able to conceive, God was telling us to adopt, it took me a long time to let go of that guilt and shame.
My prayer was answered tonight. Even before my prayer tonight, God knew what I needed! I love that God specifically chose this group of couples to be in this class together at this time! I am excited for the weeks to come!
Wow! All I can say is WOW! God is good!
I really have it on my heart to help others who are struggling with infertility or looking into adoption. Please, please, PLEASE let me know if there is anything I can do to help you. I pray you can feel comfortable coming to me and sharing your heart!
We would have to tell our stories.
We would have to tell our stories to complete strangers.
Our story is hard.
Our story isn't nearly as hard as it could have been.
We were never blessed with a pregnancy or even a positive pregnancy test for that matter, but we did not suffer a loss through miscarriage or a stillborn baby.
My concern wasn't necessarily in spilling my guts, but that in doing so, I may hurt someone who suffered more than I had. Would I be able to hold it together so that someone who is still grieving the loss of their baby(ies) wouldn't think, "Oh, wow, what's so hard about that? We had several miscarriages and we're still here..."
Before we left I had to pray that God would keep me strong and help me to not appear insensitive.
On the way there, I decided we would share first - our story wasn't "so bad". I wanted to get it out of the way so that we could make time for those with the really tragic and heart-wrenching stories, but we didn't get to go first. The first couple told their story about struggling with infertility, and although they had had a miscarriage, most of their story sounded very similar to ours, and they stayed strong while telling their story. Then the next couple shared. Again, they had also suffered a miscarriage, but were so excited to be in the next phase of God's plan and adopting.
After they shared I quickly raised my hand to be next. This time, I was able to share. Before I began to speak, my heart began to pound so hard, I thought everyone must be able to see it thump through my chest! Then I spoke and God answered the other part of my prayer - I stayed strong!
As the couples continued to share, I began to see that none of our stories were identical, but in so many ways they were all very similar. Two themes seemed to resonate in our stories - God used this time in our lives to strengthen our faith and draw nearer to Him, & He pushed us no further than He knew we could go! There were so many times when I felt like I was DONE and couldn't handle any more. I surprised myself when I could go on, but I know it didn't surprise God! We also all seemed to be at the same place in our grieving at least at this point in time - acceptance!
What a good place to be! Grieving is something that will never go away, but I can have peace! The caseworker said that grieving is like being blindfolded on an emotional roller coaster. You don't know when there will be ups and when there will be downs. My prayer is there will be more ups than downs! It's so funny, but in my own experience, this analogy makes perfect sense. I often wondered why something (baby shower, pregnancy announcement, etc.) triggered so much heartache and devastation, when another - just a week later, I would be perfectly ok!
We didn't have time to go over the class notes since we ended 10 minutes late, but the caseworker who led the class pointed out the "Grief Wheel" that was in our notes. She said grief doesn't follow this order, and you can move back and forth between these stages. I am sure any of you that have lost a loved one or have even gone through infertility yourself have experienced this - Denial --> Anger --> Bargaining --> Loneliness --> Guilt/Shame --> Depression. Speaking for myself, I have experienced all of this during our infertility, some of them more than once and some at the same time. One thing that was particularly hard for me was guilt/shame.
While it wasn't specifically determined (since our infertility is unexplained) I have always felt like it would be hard for me to conceive if even I did at all. In the back of my mind, I thought something was wrong with me even before we started trying. Because of that, I have carried a lot of guilt/shame around. I felt like it was my fault that we couldn't have a child of our own. I felt like less of a woman because I could not carry a child for my husband and was ashamed for taking that from him. Even though I knew that we both wanted to adopt children for a long time and that if we weren't able to conceive, God was telling us to adopt, it took me a long time to let go of that guilt and shame.
My prayer was answered tonight. Even before my prayer tonight, God knew what I needed! I love that God specifically chose this group of couples to be in this class together at this time! I am excited for the weeks to come!
Wow! All I can say is WOW! God is good!
I really have it on my heart to help others who are struggling with infertility or looking into adoption. Please, please, PLEASE let me know if there is anything I can do to help you. I pray you can feel comfortable coming to me and sharing your heart!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Class 1 - "Introduction in the Adoption Experience"
So tonight was our first adoption class, and boy, does it feel more real than it has in the past few months! Before class, I was extremely excited to begin this part of the certification process as well as meet other couples in this process. If I am THIS excited NOW, I can't even imagine how I will be when we get the well-anticipated placement phone call! I even had to force myself to eat dinner before we left!
I'm pretty much wide awake at this point now that we are home from our first class, and it's the night before the last day of school! My brain is on overload to say the least. Tonight we went a mile wide and an inch deep in the adoption process (laws, homestudy process, placement, writing a match letter, etc.). We went over what our life may be like over the next 12-18 months, give or take and even stretching to the next 18 years of our child's life. We will have to put our faith in God now more than ever. As hard as the past 2+ years of infertility have been, I can see how God has used that time to prepare us for what may lie ahead. I think there will be many ups and downs, a lot of unknowns, and waiting just as we have experienced, but isn't that how life is?! So thankful to serve a God who knows us and loves us. He knows what we can handle and how far to stretch us! He is bigger than anything we may face!
This class also helped me process what the birth parent(s) are going through. I look forward to learning more about this in the weeks to come. I'm not sure if I could ever express my gratitude enough to our child's birth mother for her strength, selflessness, and bravery! This pregnancy isn't planned, and yet she is willing to put aside any embarrassment or shame to choose life for her baby. Then after carrying this baby for 9 months, once again chooses life for her baby and places him or her into our arms. When our baby is born, she will be saying hello and goodbye to him/her all at the same time. It hurts to think that when we leave the hospital with our baby and are overwhelmed with joy, she will be leaving with empty arms and overwhelmed with heartache.
Side note - I do have to say my favorite part of this whole night was on the way home. I was driving and Bobby was "resting his eyes". Out of no where he says, "Our match book letter is going to be a pop-up book!" Ha! I love that he was thinking about how to market us better! ;)The match book letter is basically a resume/advertisement the agency will give to birth mothers to help them choose a family for their baby (and is only 2-dimensional. Ha!).
I'm pretty much wide awake at this point now that we are home from our first class, and it's the night before the last day of school! My brain is on overload to say the least. Tonight we went a mile wide and an inch deep in the adoption process (laws, homestudy process, placement, writing a match letter, etc.). We went over what our life may be like over the next 12-18 months, give or take and even stretching to the next 18 years of our child's life. We will have to put our faith in God now more than ever. As hard as the past 2+ years of infertility have been, I can see how God has used that time to prepare us for what may lie ahead. I think there will be many ups and downs, a lot of unknowns, and waiting just as we have experienced, but isn't that how life is?! So thankful to serve a God who knows us and loves us. He knows what we can handle and how far to stretch us! He is bigger than anything we may face!
This class also helped me process what the birth parent(s) are going through. I look forward to learning more about this in the weeks to come. I'm not sure if I could ever express my gratitude enough to our child's birth mother for her strength, selflessness, and bravery! This pregnancy isn't planned, and yet she is willing to put aside any embarrassment or shame to choose life for her baby. Then after carrying this baby for 9 months, once again chooses life for her baby and places him or her into our arms. When our baby is born, she will be saying hello and goodbye to him/her all at the same time. It hurts to think that when we leave the hospital with our baby and are overwhelmed with joy, she will be leaving with empty arms and overwhelmed with heartache.
Side note - I do have to say my favorite part of this whole night was on the way home. I was driving and Bobby was "resting his eyes". Out of no where he says, "Our match book letter is going to be a pop-up book!" Ha! I love that he was thinking about how to market us better! ;)The match book letter is basically a resume/advertisement the agency will give to birth mothers to help them choose a family for their baby (and is only 2-dimensional. Ha!).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)