Class 4: Raising the Adopted Child - Adoption and the Lifelong Search for Self

This post is a little delayed. We had class 4 days ago!  Honestly, I haven't really known what to write about.  For the most part, this class seemed to be commonsense.

The caseworker who led this class struggled with infertility for many years, and she and her husband decided to adopt.  They adopted twin girls at birth, who are now 18 years old.  I think I would have enjoyed the class much more, if we knew this before class and could hear more about her experiences along with some time for Q&A.  She's got to be a wealth of knowledge!

One of the most important things I got from this class was learning more about the importance of attachment with our babies.  The baby experiences so many things in utero, which we cannot be a part of.  A lot of brain development also occurs at this time.  It is crucial that we are very intentional in developing a bond and working toward attachment with our baby.  We must be the ones who are meeting the needs of our baby.  We must be the ones holding and soothing our little one for at least the first 3 months.  Sorry Grandmas (we will still need your help in other ways early on!)!!!  This will be hard on us too!  We've wanted to add a baby to our family for so long, and we won't get to do any of the showing off initially!!!  But we need to set aside our wants for our baby's needs.  Maybe we will have to make some, "You can look, but not touch!" onesies! Ha!  

At the end of this class we were shown this very sweet, but very cheesy video.  Maybe some of you have seen it before.  I think it was a good way to end the class.  It is important to be prepared and do the very best you can with your child(ren), but it's also important to savor those ordinary moments and ordinary days - we don't get those back.

"The Gift of an Ordinary Day" by Katrina Henison.

A Decision

Decisions are something that don't come easy for me.  Do I avoid making decisions sometimes? Yes.  Is it easier to take a step back and let others choose? Sometimes. Would I rather be flexible and OK with a decision made by others than hurt someone in the process? Absolutely.

This is one of the few decisions I am set on.  I am not willing to waiver, just as in my decision to follow Christ.  This decision is more about our child. Not us.  It is a clear decision to put our child and his/her welfare above all else. Above ourselves.  Above our insecurities.

We are choosing open adoption. We are making an intentional decision now to stay in contact with our child's birth-family.  If contact is ever lost with them, or the birth-parent chooses closed adoption, we will keep information available with our adoption agency.  We will stay in contact, even if it looks one-sided.  We are choosing to be open and honest with all aspects of the adoption and his/her birth-family in positive and age-appropriate ways.

We chose our agency for several reasons: they are Christian, they are advocates of open adoption (even though we were a little naive about this aspect at the time), and do domestic infant adoptions.  I am so thankful now, God has led us here.

Open adoption is somewhat recently becoming more common. Our adoption agency describes open adoption in this way, "A fully disclosed open adoption involves a face-to-face meeting between the birth and prospective adoptive parents prior to placement; an exchange of identifying information; and a commitment on both sides to ongoing contact.  The degree of openness in an adoption varies greatly from family to family. Some birth parents want to receive an annual update and pictures while others desire ongoing in-person contact."

This morning I stumbled upon a documentary called "Unlocking the Heart of Adoption" which helped to firmly cement this decision in my mind.  It looked at various people in the adoption triad and how closed adoption left so many lingering questions and desires.  Closed adoptions can leave so much pain in the hearts of those involved especially the child.  There are unique challenges with parenting a child who was placed for adoption, but we are choosing to make it as healthy as possible for our child. 

Open adoption is not a new thing by any means, but was pushed out in the late 1800s when closed adoptions were born.  There was even a time when children were literally "put up" (this term is now a no-no in positive adoption language, please use "placed" instead!) for adoption.  Thousands of orphaned children were actually placed on a train, essentially cleared of their identities, and shipped off to farming communities!  They were put up on blocks and stages for prospective families to shop for a child!! What a horrible image.  One person who was a child of an orphan train told of a time when a farmer, stopped in front of him and grasped his muscles and said he would make a great farm hand!  To read about one person's experience as an orphan on the "orphan train", click here or to learn more about the history of open adoption, click here.

Class 3: Healthy Adoption Experience

Before going to this class tonight, I didn't really have much expectation for what we would really discuss; I mean "Healthy Adoption Experience" encompasses so many things I couldn't even begin to grasp what we would cover tonight prior to attending.  As it turns out, we did cover a variety of topics related to a healthy adoption experience.

One thing that sticks out most from this evening was what No Handlebars is all about - Letting Go & Letting God Steer!  It is amazing to look back on our entire lives even before we knew each other and how God has used so many different experiences in our lives to shape us into the people we are today and the adoptive parents we will be tomorrow (No, there is not something you should know!  This would be a completely different post!  I meant that figuratively speaking!!).  Just as He knit me together in my mother's womb and knows every hair on my head, He has known the path He has laid out for me.

There are 3 specific things which have happened in my life that I think have helped me prepare for this journey and to help me relate more to our child and his or her birth-mother.  When I was going through those things, I knew there was a reason for them, but it wasn't revealed to me until recently.  Even when we go through storms in our lives, we have to TRUST God knows far more than we do, and has a reason (oftentimes several reasons!) for those storms or experiences.

Without going into too much detail, one of the things I have experienced in my life is the feeling of rejection.  Whether or not I was rejected by a specific person may not have been a reality, but it was and still feels very real to me to this very day.  It was/is my reality.  I can't help but wonder if our child may feel that way.  He or she will be placed for adoption.  Of course, this mother will be placing her child in our arms out of selflessness and love for her child, not because she is rejecting him or her, but I wonder if our child may feel rejected because of this at times.  Even if it may not be reality, will it feel very real to him or her?  My prayer is we will be able to have an open adoption where our child knows his/her birth-family and is comfortable to ask us and his/her birth-mother those questions when/if those heavy feelings arise.

Some time ago, my husband and I took a birth-mother into our home for a short period.  We didn't realize it at that time, but for that very short period we were able to see first hand, what may be going on in a birth-mother's life for her to want to chose something better for her child.  I think this will help us to have greater empathy for our child's birth-mom.

On that same note, we have also seen how God, through our prayers, can protect tiny little babies from harmful things some birth-mothers are putting into their bodies.  That's why we have been praying for our little baby now (and ask you to do the same if you haven't already!).  We don't know if our baby has been conceived in a birth-mother's womb yet or not (although this little one has definitely been conceived in our hearts!!!) but we do know, God can protect our baby.

Infertility has also prepared us for this journey in several ways.  It has helped me to trust God more.  It has caused me to grieve for our child we planned to conceive and I had planned to carry and give birth too.  Our child's birth-mother probably did not plan for this pregnancy, but she will have to grieve the loss of being able to parent her child.  As I have mentioned before, it breaks my heart to know we will be the cause of some of her pain.  We will be leaving the hospital with her dream.  Just as she has something we have not been able to experience - pregnancy and birthing a child, we have something she is not currently able to experience - a loving, stable home to raise a child.


Another hard, but very real topic was discussed this evening.  Honestly, it is one of my greatest fears as an adoptive-mom-to-be.  There is a very real possibility the birth-mother could change her mind.  We will be matched at some point with a birth-mother.  She could decide at 9 months she can't go through with the adoption and keep her baby.  It's even possible after the baby is born she decides adoption isn't the best for her and her baby or she isn't strong enough.  Or even more difficult to fathom, she could decide once we have brought her baby home, she would like to parent her child.  Oftentimes, a baby is released from the hospital and would go home with the adoptive parents.  The earliest a birth-mother would be asked to sign relinquishment would be 72 hours after the birth (later if it's a weekend or she's on any type of pain medication).  This means, we could potentially have a baby in our home to love, take care of, and attach to, only to return the baby to his/her birth-mother a week later.  I pray this is something we won't have to experience, but this is where it is so amazing to know God!  He is in control and has a perfect plan for everyone involved!  There's such amazing peace when you truly believe and know that!

So I guess if you didn't think of Bobby and I as risk-takers before, you should now! Ha!  So I'm going to be cheesy for a moment... wait for it...  

It's so much easier to be a risk-taker, when you let go of the handlebars!!!

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
   instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
   a planting of the LORD
   for the display of his splendor.  

Isaiah 61:3

How beautiful is that verse?  God can make ALL things beautiful again!  There is so much hope in that verse!

Drumroll, please....

Here are the t-shirt designs Bobby created! They are amazing if I do say so myself!  We are selling these shirts for $20 each to raise money for our adoption.  The designs are printed on "New Silver"-colored, American Apparel brand shirts, so the shirts are great quality, so soft, and comfortable to wear! We will have some in stock in about a week or 2, but will be also doing pre-sales for when we place our larger order.  We will ship (additional shipping fees apply) if you are out of state!!

You can now purchase our shirts if you are out of state, using the "Donate" button on the left side of our blog!  Please add $5 for shipping.  Thank you sooo much for supporting our adoption!

Price - $20ea.
Sizes - Girls' S-2XL click here for sizing info, Guys' S-2XL click here for sizing info

Girls' Shirt (smaller and fitted)

Guys' Shirt

Class 2: Infertility Grief & Loss in Adoption

I was concerned about this class all week.

We would have to tell our stories.

We would have to tell our stories to complete strangers.

Our story is hard.

Our story isn't nearly as hard as it could have been.

We were never blessed with a pregnancy or even a positive pregnancy test for that matter, but we did not suffer a loss through miscarriage or a stillborn baby.

My concern wasn't necessarily in spilling my guts, but that in doing so, I may hurt someone who suffered more than I had.  Would I be able to hold it together so that someone who is still grieving the loss of their baby(ies) wouldn't think, "Oh, wow, what's so hard about that?  We had several miscarriages and we're still here..."
Before we left I had to pray that God would keep me strong and help me to not appear insensitive.

On the way there, I decided we would share first - our story wasn't "so bad".  I wanted to get it out of the way so that we could make time for those with the really tragic and heart-wrenching stories, but we didn't get to go first.  The first couple told their story about struggling with infertility, and although they had had a miscarriage, most of their story sounded very similar to ours, and they stayed strong while telling their story.  Then the next couple shared.  Again, they had also suffered a miscarriage, but were so excited to be in the next phase of God's plan and adopting.

After they shared I quickly raised my hand to be next.  This time, I was able to share.  Before I began to speak, my heart began to pound so hard, I thought everyone must be able to see it thump through my chest! Then I spoke and God answered the other part of my prayer - I stayed strong!

As the couples continued to share, I began to see that none of our stories were identical, but in so many ways they were all very similar.  Two themes seemed to resonate in our stories - God used this time in our lives to strengthen our faith and draw nearer to Him, & He pushed us no further than He knew we could go!  There were so many times when I felt like I was DONE and couldn't handle any more.  I surprised myself when I could go on, but I know it didn't surprise God!  We also all seemed to be at the same place in our grieving at least at this point in time - acceptance!

What a good place to be!  Grieving is something that will never go away, but I can have peace!  The caseworker said that grieving is like being blindfolded on an emotional roller coaster.  You don't know when there will be ups and when there will be downs.  My prayer is there will be more ups than downs!  It's so funny, but in my own experience, this analogy makes perfect sense.  I often wondered why something (baby shower, pregnancy announcement, etc.) triggered so much heartache and devastation, when another - just a week later, I would be perfectly ok!

We didn't have time to go over the class notes since we ended 10 minutes late, but the caseworker who led the class pointed out the "Grief Wheel" that was in our notes.  She said grief doesn't follow this order, and you can move back and forth between these stages.  I am sure any of you that have lost a loved one or have even gone through infertility yourself have experienced this - Denial --> Anger --> Bargaining --> Loneliness --> Guilt/Shame --> Depression.  Speaking for myself, I have experienced all of this during our infertility, some of them more than once and some at the same time.  One thing that was particularly hard for me was guilt/shame.

While it wasn't specifically determined (since our infertility is unexplained) I have always felt like it would be hard for me to conceive if even I did at all.  In the back of my mind, I thought something was wrong with me even before we started trying.  Because of that, I have carried a lot of guilt/shame around.  I felt like it was my fault that we couldn't have a child of our own.  I felt like less of a woman because I could not carry a child for my husband and was ashamed for taking that from him.  Even though I knew that we both wanted to adopt children for a long time and that if we weren't able to conceive, God was telling us to adopt, it took me a long time to let go of that guilt and shame.

My prayer was answered tonight.  Even before my prayer tonight, God knew what I needed!  I love that God specifically chose this group of couples to be in this class together at this time!  I am excited for the weeks to come! 

Wow! All I can say is WOW! God is good!


I really have it on my heart to help others who are struggling with infertility or looking into adoption. Please, please, PLEASE let me know if there is anything I can do to help you.  I pray you can feel comfortable coming to me and sharing your heart!

Support Letter

In case you aren't on our mailing list, here is the letter we recently sent out!

Dear Family and Friends,

Two years ago, we decided we were ready to grow our family and began trying to conceive.  It didn’t go according to our original plan, but it did and has gone according to God’s plan!  During that time, I really struggled with understanding why, but I know now it was to strengthen me and my faith in God, which I am so thankful for now!  We have been praying for about a year now for God to guide us in this whole situation.  We feel strongly God is telling us to ADOPT!  When we were dating and first talking about marriage and children, we both knew if we were unable to have children, it was God’s way of telling us to adopt.  That conversation from 10 years ago wasn’t an accident!  

We are so excited for this opportunity and feel extremely blessed.  How cool is it to be chosen to create a better life for a child?!  We know there are unique challenges with the adoption process and parenting a child who has been adopted, but God has put some amazing families in our lives that are great examples and resources.

We are letting go of the handlebars and letting God steer!  We are obeying God’s will for our lives and following His lead.  Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”  

Our adoption journey has already begun: we have turned in the initial paperwork with our wonderful adoption agency and have met with the adoption caseworker who will be working with us throughout the process.  We are about to start the home study and adoption certification process.  By the end of this summer we hope to be placed in our agency’s match book.  We couldn’t be more excited!

We are asking for your support!  We are not sure how or when, but we are SURE God will provide!  We know He has a baby chosen to fit our family perfectly; we know He will provide the means to bring Baby Dean home.  Please keep our baby, the birthparents, and us in your prayers!  We are asking for financial support as well. We are looking into fundraisers to help with the tremendous expense of adoption. 

We would love to keep you updated during our journey on our blog — withnohandlebars.blogspot.com!

Thank you so much for your prayers and support!

With Christ’s love,
Bobby & Crystal

Pros & Cons

My friend and I were discussing this today!  While I feel led to adopt and feel completely blessed and am excited to do so, I can't help but notice the differences between becoming a mom through pregnancy and becoming a mom through adoption.  So here's the list of adoption pros and cons -

Pros                                                 Cons
-I don't have to give birth!                 -I don't get to give birth!
-I don't look like I'm expecting            -I don't look like I'm expecting
-Our baby won't look like me              -Our baby won't look like my 
-No weight gain (hopefully!)                handsome husband 
-Don't have to decide whether            -I will not feel my baby kick or move             
or not I should have an epidural         from the inside  (this one's the hardest!)
-No 6 week wait!!! ;)                         -Not the one who is in charge of prenatal
-I won't be pregnant in July or             -Don't know when our baby's coming
 August in Arizona!                             -No positive pregnancy test -
-I get to provide a better life                no running out of the bathroom excitedly
  for a child                                          screaming to my husband
*No nausea/morning sickness!
*No blood sugar test
*Don't have to spend money on
maternity clothes
*No hemorrhoids!
*I will look AMAZING right
after our baby is born!

Couldn't line up the "Cons", so my apologies if that's bothering you like it is me! And, if you know how to fix it (without using "tab" because that doesn't work!), feel free to share with me!!  I'm sure there's many more things to add to these lists, so we'll consider this post a work in progress!

*Thanks to the awesome mommas who helped me add to the list of Pros! :)